Today I feel like an asshole and today's blog is my confessional.
Last night, I ate meat for the first time in MONTHS. Months I tell you! I was almost out of the woods with cravings, thinking about it, and had almost moved completely forward into my high raw almost fully vegan delightfully beautiful life! BOOM. It happened. I ate a stupid steak. Yeah, when I cheat, I'm not messing around am I? I didn't go fish. I went balls to the walls. And as delicious as it was, the side of guilt that came along with it was probably not worth the few delicious, decadent moments of foodgasm.
Today I did what I am now calling the Facebook Conference Call. It's like having all of my friends chime in with amazing stories, advice, and words of encouragement about a topic of my choosing!!! YAY!!! Today I was probing into the heads and hearts of my lovie bears and exploring their experiences with vegetarianism- with special emphasis on what its like to be a vegetarian in a non-veggie family/relationship. My smart, intuitive girlfriends keep asking the same question: "Why do you feel guilty? Is it because of health or morals?"
Shall we explore????
When my husband and I first began dating, my diet consisted of diet coke, diet yogurt, cigarettes, and shots. I had no concept of health. I didn't even know about "wheat" bread. Seriously. No clue. I didn't eat red meat or pork, but I ate chicken and fish. This also makes me laugh because the meat was really the least of all saccharine ridden evils. Nate was a full on health conscious veggie head, and I quickly adopted his lifestyle. Pretty soon I had quit smoking (almost completely), given up meat, and moved away from the sodas and the whites. We were a full fledged vegetarian wonder duo! When we got married we had vegetarian dinners and brunches for our friends and stuck together on our moral eating value system.
Then...I got pregnant. I was dreaming about steaks. Dreaming, my friends. I hadn't eaten red meat or pork since I was 13 years old. I couldn't remember what a steak tasted like, but I knew I wanted one. I fought off turning to the dark side until the third trimester when I just couldn't take it anymore. Then I started with the gateway food: salmon. Next it was wings, then steaks. Nate also started eating meat. And instead of team veggie, we were now team meat. We went right from Aniston to Jolie without skipping a beat. We watched the food channel, learned tons of new recipes and embarked on a new moral and culinary journey.
Since then, I have been waffling back and forth in my dietary lifestyle choices for the past six years, while Nate has no interest in returning to our past vegetarian lifestyle. I will go months and months as a vegetarian, vegan and/or raw, then will run head first into a filet mignon.
Writing this blog today has allowed me to finally acknowledge my problem: It is really difficult for me to be embarking on this raw vegan journey alone. I miss having my partner in food. Sometimes I think my backlashes are less about eating the meat and more about feeling bonded with my husband and my family. It is really difficult when I try out new recipes and my foodie buddy could care less. I am so excited about the way I feel and no matter how many beautiful, amazing friends I have to share it with, it just isn't the same as sharing it with my husband.
So here today's analysis: I feel guilty because I know eating meat is not healthy or ethical. I feel sadness because I'm mourning the fact that I can no longer bond with my best friend over something that used to be so much fun for us: food and the kitchen.