Chaos

Over the past year, my life has undergone many changes.  It has felt like chaos.  Sometimes scary, sometimes exciting, and often an overwhelming combination of the two.  I am moving into a new life for myself and it is a life that is very different from how I thought my life would be. 

I am a bit of a control freak and I like my road map to be crystal clear.  My map could not be more murky and muddy.  Learning how to love the muck is becoming a process I have only begun to embark upon.  When everything has felt so crazy, is difficult to hug spontaneity and give it the big fat kiss it deserves. 

I made plans with friends for the weekend.  Plans I almost cancelled at the last minute because I was not feeling well.  Plans I almost wanted to cancel even if I was feeling well.  Any excuse would have worked.    Instead of stopping myself, I embraced my night.  I threw on clothes and yanked my hair up faster than I could talk myself out of going. 

I found myself enjoying myself on a level I have not enjoyed myself in a long time.  Friends felt like warm blankets, songs hurt my soul and made me cry.  I was vulnerable.  I felt alive and I felt at ease, at ease with the uncertainty of life.  There was comfort in the joy that things are not always going to end up the way I expect, but peace in the understanding that life is unfolding as it should.  I do not have to work so hard to make my life.  It really just happens all around me in the weird cosmic way.  People come in, people come out.  Experiences in, experiences out.  It is exciting to see what tomorrow will bring me when I'm not trying to force my will upon it.   

xoxo
J