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Friday, May 18, 2012

Impending Doom

I have thoroughly enjoyed the past three weeks off from school.  I have been able to spend time with my friends, focus on my kids, and focus on myself.  I honestly haven't been this relaxed since I started my doctorate.  Over the past couple of days, I have noticed myself feeling overwhelmed with the impending sense of doom that school is about to start again and my fun is over.  Back to seriousville, grindsville, and stressville.  BOOOOOOO.

I fantasize about quitting sometimes and just going back to doing the mom thing, but I am WAY too invested in myself and my future patients to give up now. 

Not to say I don't enjoy school- actually, I'm one of those sick nerds who loves it.  I love the learning.  I don't even mind the reading.  But I HATE that education is such an evaluative process.  Psychology is not like math.  It is subjective and every single person practicing, practices differently and with different talents and skills.  It really doesn't even seem logical to me that we are graded on it.  I wish I could just learn because I enjoy it and not be graded on it. I get really good grades and I work hard, but I get so wrapped up in the evaluations I am receiving that is sucks the joy out of learning. 

That, my friends, is bullshit.

This semester is going to be different for me. I going to work very hard to not see school as a chore anymore.  I want to see it for what it is:  my future in helping other people live their best lives.  I refuse to spend another semester feeling afraid of failure, worrying about what theoretical orientation will get me the best job, and dwelling on the debt I am accumulating.  I am going to concentrate on truly, and authentically enjoying this process. 

So if any of my you, my loves, see me retreating into a hole of fear, sadness, and/or stress, I am counting on you to bitch slap me and remind me to get my shit together and enjoy the process.


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