Helping me so I can help you

Wow.  I wasn't kidding when I said I wouldn't be blogging that much during my internship, was I???
I have been busier than I have even imagined.  Between the weekday grind, the weekends packed full of activities and picnics, and keeping up with school work and my fitness regime, it has been insane to say the least.  The blog has been totally sacrificed to the busy as shit gods. 

One of the most horrific things happened to my group of friends.  Two of our friends passed away in a car accident.  Mourning myself and attempting to take care of those closest to them has not been an easy feat.  Sometimes, throughout the tragedy, I have felt more helpless in helping people than I ever have in my life.  Trying to know what to do or the right things to say has felt awkward and nearly impossible at times.  One of the therapists from my internship said, "Well, you know the stages of grief, right?  Just use them!"  Easier said than done when it comes to the people who I love like they are family. 

For the first few days after the deaths, I had no appetite, had diarrhea that went on for days (just keepin' it real here people), and just generally felt down and out. Then came the anger which I am still experiencing. Little things are just grating on me.  Things that don't normally phase me- the kids not going to bed on time, my husband hitting the snooze button FIVE THOUSAND FUCKING TIMES, patients who are just plain annoying me.   I also noticed myself trying to fill voids.  For me, the first thing I turn to is food.   I noticed that my appetite is still not there, but I am hitting the cartons of coconut milk ice cream like they are going out of style- a pint a day people- I kid you not.  And crunchy things have been constantly on the menu- peanuts, raw cereal with buckwheat groats (they give a major crunch for those of you who haven't tried them).  Thankfully, my fitness regime didn't go to the wayside during this, but my eating like shit certainly hasn't made me feel good or helped me in my work outs.  So what the hell???  If I know this about myself, why do I continue to engage in these patterns that aren't helpful- they are actually hindering me by making me feel like a person on an Activia comercial? 

The bottom line is comfort.  We revert back to comfortable patterns of behavior during times of struggle and when we just don't know what else to do.  Thankfully I have taken inventory of this before I hit that unopened bottle of vodka in my freezer.  So what am I going to do now???  Well, life is hard right now.  Really freaking hard.  So I, in true Jane fashion, am pulling out the "suck it up bitch" mentality and am knocking it off.  I need to be strong for the people around me.  So here's the plan.  Because as you know, I always have a plan. 

Hit the gym.  Run (I have a new goal that I need to work on- a 7 min mile for the Turkey Trot on Thanksgiving).  Eat right for the love of God! 

By starting out small and taking care of my very basic needs, I can hopefully get out some of my pent up aggression and get my digestive system back to happy land.  If I am taking care of myself, I'm a better wife, mother, and friend to those who need me the most.